Quest for freedom..

In the era of fitness exposure, I see a lot of people embracing a healthy life style and exercise choices. Back in 2012-13, not many people were comfortable with the idea of Gym-ing and I was one of them. 

Y’all see, a transition from painfully thin to fat, is a hard one to accept. So naturally, I was in a denial. I never felt fat. But others lent their value added advice upon me and forced me to look into the matter. I thought the only option left with me was to be brave enough and join the dreaded gym. People were surprised as it was still a new trend in my locality. I did what my chart said for a year or so before quitting. In the mean while I had lost around 8 kg or so. But I still felt fat. Yeah the tires around my belly, they were pretty persistent. In the coming year, I was majorly at home preparing for exams for courses and jobs I had no idea about. That gave way to me putting on whatever I had lost the past year

. I was never much confident with my body and now I felt I was standing on a seesaw dipping one way and then on another. I was and still am looking for a long term change. Every now and then, I find myself obsessively looking over pictures of girls who can, so smoothly, carry out any outfit they like and here I am, restricted because of my own body. It’s not just about carrying outfits, but I just don’t feel like myself anymore. I know, it’s my body and it’s high time that I accept who I am. But does being fat define me as a person? As a person who only wears loose clothes? or someone who dresses conservatively, someone who is not creative enough? Or bold enough? And, what about self-expression? Is my self-expression monotonous or mundane like the clothes I wear? 

How you see yourself is so important I never knew. It’s never about just shedding those pounds, it’s about freedom. And I don’t feel it.  What would get me the freedom that I crave for? I had read once in a book, that when we feel insecure, we tend to accumulate all the fat around ourselves as a form of protective layer to save us from whatever is threatening to kill our joy and peace of mind. Is it true? Well may be. I was sadly, never a very secured person.  Well, how to get out of that insecurity? Fake till you make it? Or some other way? What is the long term solution...........